September 7, 2012

I didn't know it as I took these pictures, but those days were the time of my life.  It was still summer, it was still hot and sticky and full of rain, it was still me- just a fifteen year old girl doing her favorite thing.  It was just me and the stars, a wish on a twinkle, and a lot of thoughts spinning.  There was something peaceful that night, looking up at the great blanket of blank with little snips of light shining.  Like a dandelion blown across the sky.  As I close my eyes, I can picture those stars.  That night.  What we did.  Me, the people I love, and how the stars shone so strikingly numerous and so strikingly bright.  If you fast forward to now, you have an older girl.  A more mature girl.  A girl who's hoping she's done the right thing and that everything will work itself out.

These last couple days have hit me hard: I'm starting college.  I've got to study for my ACT test.  I need to work.  I've got to get better.  I have to pass well.  Things like that scares me- it leaves my stomach all in knots, my head all in a messy affair, and my fingers flying across countless sheets of paper a day with numbers, words, notes, and operations.  But then, it's not just the numbers that are messy: it's the feelings.  It's impossible to pull out every single thought, lay them all out, and organize them.  There's no way to graph them, arrange, or place.  They just feel and scare me.  Sometimes, as I stare at five hundred pages of algebra, I want to forget all this nonsense and stay the fifteen year old girl who gets on people's nerves and dreams half the time.  I'd like to forget all these new worries, and stay this age forever because fifteen has been the best year of my life.  Especially this heart aching summer.

But then...  I want to grow up.  I think I'm ready- at least, I'm praying I am.  It would be nice to have respect, responsibility, new thoughts, new perspectives, and experience.  And all at the same time, I'm worried somewhere along the way I'll forget who I am and run away being a coward.  And then again, I just tell myself to breathe and know that hundreds of girls just like me have the same and thoughts and come out perfectly okay.  But like I told a friend, I'd rather fail than come out somewhere in the last.  But then again, I'll be fine.  At least, that's the only consolation I have right now- in the end it'll all be fine.  There's nothing to despair over because I have a loving God who loves me any which way I go.  Who doesn't expect me to do anything better than my best since He knows the person I am.

Tonight, with my sister snoring softly beside me, I shiver as I think about all this.  I'm cold.  But growing up is learning to put aside the feelings that hurt and learn how to sacrifice.  Life isn't fair.  And the only thing we can do about it is to take the good with the bad. Like the stars, I'm ready to fly.  I'm ready to go.  With God's help, I am ready.

p.s. I got a pinterest: here.


  1. Growing-up thoughts are scary. I admire you for starting college, dear! Good for you. I will be praying for you.


  2. Wow. I admire you too, your're brave.
    I share your thoughts on growing up though...I think'm ready, but I don't want to lose who I am in the process, as it seems people around me are.
    But then again, it's not really what we do, as much as how we do it.