July 23, 2012

It gets harder and harder everytime.  Tears will come into my eyes, and then hers too.  We wrap our arms around each other and hug really hard- we don't let go for a long time.  She says she'll miss me, and I say the same.  I run into the car sometimes- if the tears aren't that bad, but other times, I just let them come for all the world to see.  The we just keep on hugging.  She'll say something funny to make the moment less hard...  but I've never liked laughing and crying at the same time.

Last night while she washed dishes, she was letting her hips swing to the beat of her favorite song, dancing in position, and singing a few lines in that distinct voice I love.  Maybe it was the song, or the moment, or God's timing, but as I watched the soap suds fly, the dishes getting stacked to the side, and her dancing so happily, I realized with shock that she could dance right out of my life.  Simple as that.  Quick as a wink.  And she'd be gone.  With her famous bread, solitaire games, hugs, accent and all.  Gone.  While I washed the dining room table behind her, I started crying.  Softly so no one would see because those moments you like to have all to yourself.

There's a bunch about her that I'd miss, I know.  Especially that scent.  Her perfume mixed in with something sweet and a little smoke.  That's how I'll remember her smelling.  I'll miss her dancing in the kitchen, stirring her gumbo pot, and singing to songs on the radio.  And when I see her face in my head, I see her grinning, shoulders back, arms out, and a hug ready for me.  That's how I remember her.  Always waiting for me to get home.  Always waiting to do so much for me.  Always waiting for me to tell her I love her so she can say I love you much more.  Then I'd come right back and say I love her much MUCH more, and wait for her to say "aw, ya turkey."

I think it's hard to let people like her go because when they do go, you always wished you were a better person.  You wish you had done more for them.  You wished you would have made things easier in life for them.  But I realized suddenly that it wouldn't have mattered to her.  She loved me the way I am and has never once expected more from me than I could give.  She didn't try to change me, or mold me to what she wanted.  She's never asked me to change for her benefit.  She loved me for me, and she loves me for being me.  It doesn't matter how much I do or change, I know that those hugs and that shoulder I bury my head on during goodbyes will always welcome me home.  And when that shoulder isn't there anymore, I've always got her love to carry.  And she'll always have mine.

I love you, Nana.  I wish I were with you right now.

p.s. so sorry for lack of pictures!!!  I'm on the road still :P

1 comment:

  1. Grandmothers are the best. Thank you for this reminder, Gabby!